Occasionally I get comments from my friends, "You are so free, you can do whatever and be whoever". I say " That is correct. I love my freedom. I feel so lucky"
Of course there is no absolute freedom. But to get to this level of freedom that I am enjoying today, I had to break many cultural chains. Oman, as to be expected, has many beliefs sourced by religion some, and by its Arabian culture some. Both of which restricted me a great deal as a woman. To give you an example; at the age of 26 I was not allowed to stay out of the house alone beyond 4 pm, while at the age of 18 my brother could come home at 2 am, no questions asked. This discrimination was/is believed to be “protective” of women. I was supposed to accept it and love it and love my parents for protecting me. But, to me, it was "unfair" and humiliating. I still loved my family but I rejected their traditions.
So I chose to live where fewer or no restrictions are imposed on women, and where I could grow freely as a person and as a human being that is thirsty to live, to explore and to learn. I went to live in the west.
Many friends ask me if I regret living in the West for so long. The answer is "No, I don’t". Do I feel I am happier than my sisters who lived within this culture’s boundaries and obeyed its rules? "No I don’t". Are they happier than me? I wouldn't know, but I don't believe so.
Happiness, to me, comes from within and from being true to who you are. To be true and authentic you have to be free, without chains.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Why do I wear Abaya
My friends ask me, why do I wear "Abaya" in Oman, when I am fully westernized in the US? I say, I wear it out of respect and for respect.
Respect for my family and friends, mostly for the elderly. My father for example understood that he couldn’t force me or intimidate me to do anything I don’t believe in. He accepted his fate to have a daughter like me. But then I felt compelled to meet him half way, to preserve what he perceived as "dignity" (and what I call “ego” ) before his family and friends. So when at his presence I always wore a scarf and Abaya.
On the other hand, I noticed many Omanis have more respect for Omani ladies that wear Abaya than for those that don’t, or at least they show more respect. This behavior reminds me of the blacks' culture in the US. If you are an African American in the US you'd better act like one, you are otherwise perceived to be rejecting your African American culture. Like blacks in the US, Omanis in Oman, are super sensitive.
It takes an emotionally matured and secure individual to understand that what I wear as an Omani does not add or subtract from his/her Omani identity or Islamic beliefs.
Until we get to that level of maturity I wear my Abaya in Oman . . . with all due respect!
Respect for my family and friends, mostly for the elderly. My father for example understood that he couldn’t force me or intimidate me to do anything I don’t believe in. He accepted his fate to have a daughter like me. But then I felt compelled to meet him half way, to preserve what he perceived as "dignity" (and what I call “ego” ) before his family and friends. So when at his presence I always wore a scarf and Abaya.
On the other hand, I noticed many Omanis have more respect for Omani ladies that wear Abaya than for those that don’t, or at least they show more respect. This behavior reminds me of the blacks' culture in the US. If you are an African American in the US you'd better act like one, you are otherwise perceived to be rejecting your African American culture. Like blacks in the US, Omanis in Oman, are super sensitive.
It takes an emotionally matured and secure individual to understand that what I wear as an Omani does not add or subtract from his/her Omani identity or Islamic beliefs.
Until we get to that level of maturity I wear my Abaya in Oman . . . with all due respect!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Don't Judge Me
I still remember an incident 3 years ago when I was consulting in one of the companies here in Oman. About couple of weeks into the project, I was asked for a five minute talk about my work during the division’s staff meeting. “Sure, not a problem” I said. There were about 6o people mostly Omanis and Indians. But to my surprise, when I stood up to talk I felt lost for words and nervous.
When it comes to work arenas, I have a strong and confident personality. I held successful presentations in many parts of the world. So needless to say, I was shocked at my lack of confidence that morning.
It wasn’t until a year or so later that I came to understand what happened; I felt that I was cut into 60 pieces and put under a microscope. I was being assessed and perhaps judged. I didn't possess the needed inner strength to withstand it from my own people then. The judging eyes sapped my confidence away.
Of course, it could have been all in my mind, but my subconscious was extrapolating from past experiences. Many conversations in Oman take this shape: “so and so did this and that” would be followed by “he/she is a terrible person” followed by "need not befriend him/her".
It took another year or so for me to develop the inner strength I needed. Beside the point it could be a fable of my imagination; I now, realize judging of others is usually sourced by inferiority complex. In other words criticizing others make people feel better about their own shortcomings.
Even with the inner strength, for me, it is less peaceful to permanently live in Oman. That is because emotional blackmails, psychological games and drama fueled by those gossips, criticism and judgments are very much alive here. It is exhausting to live with “children adults”. Grow up I say (but who is judging ;-)) . . .
When it comes to work arenas, I have a strong and confident personality. I held successful presentations in many parts of the world. So needless to say, I was shocked at my lack of confidence that morning.
It wasn’t until a year or so later that I came to understand what happened; I felt that I was cut into 60 pieces and put under a microscope. I was being assessed and perhaps judged. I didn't possess the needed inner strength to withstand it from my own people then. The judging eyes sapped my confidence away.
Of course, it could have been all in my mind, but my subconscious was extrapolating from past experiences. Many conversations in Oman take this shape: “so and so did this and that” would be followed by “he/she is a terrible person” followed by "need not befriend him/her".
It took another year or so for me to develop the inner strength I needed. Beside the point it could be a fable of my imagination; I now, realize judging of others is usually sourced by inferiority complex. In other words criticizing others make people feel better about their own shortcomings.
Even with the inner strength, for me, it is less peaceful to permanently live in Oman. That is because emotional blackmails, psychological games and drama fueled by those gossips, criticism and judgments are very much alive here. It is exhausting to live with “children adults”. Grow up I say (but who is judging ;-)) . . .
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I Stand Corrected By These Ladies
1- When at the presence of my sister I am in reverence for her strives and achievements. My half sister is only couple of months older than me. Unlike me, she married early. At a very young age she had two precious boys. In a strange twist of fate, she was left to raise two boys without their father. Despite the difficulties of raising children with limited means, she managed to start and complete her bachelor’s degree, masters and now PhD. One of her boys is at one of top universities in the US.
She is physical and living proof that women can be independent here, albeit tougher in some aspects and easier in others than in the West. So I stand corrected.
2- Illiterate and forced to marry someone she didn’t know at the age of 14, my mother gave birth to 13 of us, and lived with my father for 50 some years, until his death this year. Without her fight to “equal opportunity” to education for all her children, male and females, I am convinced us girls would have been left behind. That is because my father was also illiterate but unlike my mother, and for quite some time he was indifferent to educating girls beyond high school. Needless to say he was later convinced and a strong advocate to our progress towards higher education.
With my mother’s perseverance, we all learned to read Quran at an early age and we all graduated from colleges and universities. Her daughters, professionally, include a medical doctor, a nurse, an engineer, a teacher, an accountant . . . etc.
I still remember her debates with my father to let us drive cars. She reminds me of a quote from the movie My Fat Greek Wedding "if a man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck, she can turn the head where ever she wants" :-)
Understandingly she has some irrational beliefs that will not shake-off, but no one can deny she is amazing!
Again, I stand corrected, progress is rapid here, in one generation we went from illiterate parents to medical and PhD daughters.
She is physical and living proof that women can be independent here, albeit tougher in some aspects and easier in others than in the West. So I stand corrected.
2- Illiterate and forced to marry someone she didn’t know at the age of 14, my mother gave birth to 13 of us, and lived with my father for 50 some years, until his death this year. Without her fight to “equal opportunity” to education for all her children, male and females, I am convinced us girls would have been left behind. That is because my father was also illiterate but unlike my mother, and for quite some time he was indifferent to educating girls beyond high school. Needless to say he was later convinced and a strong advocate to our progress towards higher education.
With my mother’s perseverance, we all learned to read Quran at an early age and we all graduated from colleges and universities. Her daughters, professionally, include a medical doctor, a nurse, an engineer, a teacher, an accountant . . . etc.
I still remember her debates with my father to let us drive cars. She reminds me of a quote from the movie My Fat Greek Wedding "if a man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck, she can turn the head where ever she wants" :-)
Understandingly she has some irrational beliefs that will not shake-off, but no one can deny she is amazing!
Again, I stand corrected, progress is rapid here, in one generation we went from illiterate parents to medical and PhD daughters.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Independence Is Important To Me;
I found a property of interest for sell in “Al Watan” news paper. Being a woman and in Oman, however, my mother insisted I take a “man” with me if I were to meet the seller. It seemed wise. So, I arranged for my nephew (18 year old) to pick me up.
We waited for the seller at a gas station for a good 15 minutes before he showed up. We then followed his car through roads that were not familiar to us. I was glad to have my strong nephew with me.
As we meandered through the roads from “Mutrah” to “Ghala” I couldn’t help but notice otherwise perfectly beautiful locations marred by badly maintained buildings. Personal safety became a concern. Again, I was glad to have my nephew with me.
Then it dawned on me, if I were to find a property to purchase I may also need the assistance of my brothers to help close the deal, from negotiation to visiting the ministry to getting a survey and all the required documents. At that time I realized; it may be impossible for a woman to live in Oman without the help of a male figure.
The society here is intimate enough that many family members will willingly, lovingly and sincerely offer to help. But that is beside the point. Independence to me is important. Telling me to be dependent would mean putting me in a straitjacket and is humiliating.
Of course I can live alone,and run my own affairs in the US. I am able to find a home, arrange for surveys, title, inspection, appraisals and purchase a property by myself, without help from a “man” or “a woman”. In other words, I am more independent in the US than in my own country.
Among other differences the largest difference between the two systems, to me, is US' transparent and easy procedures, rules and processes.
Besides the infancy of Oman’s cultural view of a woman as a true equal partner to a man, as a Muslim nation, gender equality is not supported by the Islam religion. Hence change is slow and not widely perceived to be a necessity.
We waited for the seller at a gas station for a good 15 minutes before he showed up. We then followed his car through roads that were not familiar to us. I was glad to have my strong nephew with me.
As we meandered through the roads from “Mutrah” to “Ghala” I couldn’t help but notice otherwise perfectly beautiful locations marred by badly maintained buildings. Personal safety became a concern. Again, I was glad to have my nephew with me.
Then it dawned on me, if I were to find a property to purchase I may also need the assistance of my brothers to help close the deal, from negotiation to visiting the ministry to getting a survey and all the required documents. At that time I realized; it may be impossible for a woman to live in Oman without the help of a male figure.
The society here is intimate enough that many family members will willingly, lovingly and sincerely offer to help. But that is beside the point. Independence to me is important. Telling me to be dependent would mean putting me in a straitjacket and is humiliating.
Of course I can live alone,and run my own affairs in the US. I am able to find a home, arrange for surveys, title, inspection, appraisals and purchase a property by myself, without help from a “man” or “a woman”. In other words, I am more independent in the US than in my own country.
Among other differences the largest difference between the two systems, to me, is US' transparent and easy procedures, rules and processes.
Besides the infancy of Oman’s cultural view of a woman as a true equal partner to a man, as a Muslim nation, gender equality is not supported by the Islam religion. Hence change is slow and not widely perceived to be a necessity.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
First Week In Oman
I was a bit bored yesterday, so I decided to vist the "Qurum" area to check out some shops. I found myself even more bored when I got there. The lack of choices, the stagnant status of the shops and the lack of creativity, all made me want to get back to the house. So I found two magazines from “Alfair” and drove back home to my parents’ house (where I stay when in Oman).
When I come home to Oman, I am yearning to see my family and catch up with everyone. But after one week’s stay we exhaust all the subjects, including Oman's economy, health care system, kids progress (or lack of), and of course the "maids".
But then again, you have to know Oman well to know it is not boring this time of year as long as you like weddings and weddings and then some more weddings. I kid you not when I say there is a wedding party of someone you know almost every day of the week (a family member, a neighbour, a freind, a friend's friend . . .etc ), and you are invited, or can be.
In the US, without any parties, I struggle to find enough time in 24 hours to fulfill all my interests, of course it can be stressful sometimes if the pace is too fast, and time management is everything.
So I take a chill pill, sip my tea, relax and enjoy the change in pace. Life is good.
When I come home to Oman, I am yearning to see my family and catch up with everyone. But after one week’s stay we exhaust all the subjects, including Oman's economy, health care system, kids progress (or lack of), and of course the "maids".
But then again, you have to know Oman well to know it is not boring this time of year as long as you like weddings and weddings and then some more weddings. I kid you not when I say there is a wedding party of someone you know almost every day of the week (a family member, a neighbour, a freind, a friend's friend . . .etc ), and you are invited, or can be.
In the US, without any parties, I struggle to find enough time in 24 hours to fulfill all my interests, of course it can be stressful sometimes if the pace is too fast, and time management is everything.
So I take a chill pill, sip my tea, relax and enjoy the change in pace. Life is good.
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